Tuesday, April 23, 2013

back to normal?


I hope I'm getting back to normal. This past month has been terrible. It was a month yesterday since my miscarriage. I feel a bit silly for being such a mess over it but it is what it is. I've been feeling hormonal, sad, depressed, overwhelmed, devastated, angry, stressed, afraid, worried... all of it... quite a bit this past month. It hasn't been fun. I know I'm extremely blessed to have two wonderful, healthy, amazing, beautiful children who came to us very easily. But in my heart I'm also devastated over our little loss. I should be 10-12 weeks pregnant, seeing a little heartbeat, watching a tiny baby move on the sonogram, having regular OB appointments. I should be wearing maternity clothes, I should be buying baby clothes, thinking about baby names, anticipating a new arrival. I've had a lot of bad days but some  pretty good days.. then it will hit me hard again and I will have a terrible day. Last week was just surreal to me. With my own crazy emotions, then the Boston bombing, then the explosion in West... it was an awful, rotten, hideous week all the way around.

I tend to feel guilty feeling sad over my own problems when people all around have it so much worse. I'm having to learn that my story is my own. Yes, there are terrible, terrible situations all around us but that doesn't mean that I shouldn't feel sadness over my own situation or that I don't need to deal with what I'm going through.

I also feel guilty for wanting a third child when I know others are desperately longing for ONE. I feel silly mourning an early miscarriage when others have lost a baby at 20 weeks or at birth or have lost an older child. But, still, it what it is. This is my story and I need to feel and mourn, in my own way, to get through it and move on.

I want to encourage other women to mourn and speak out when going through a miscarriage.. no matter how early. People have been so supportive and understanding and it has been amazing. Unfortunately, many mothers have gone through the same thing and it's good to know my feelings are completely normal. I want to be able to support and comfort others as time goes on because I know that, unfortunately, this is a reality for many women.

All that said, it has been a (very sad) month now and I feel like it's time to make more of an effort to put this behind me. Yes, I know it will always be sad. But, these crazy emotions and hormones have just GOT to go. I'm tired of letting my emotions control me. My #1 goal right now is to get moving! I need it for my own sanity and, Lord knows, for weight loss and getting shape. I've decided I can't go from zero to full on runner jogger (well, I could be I hate jogging with a double stroller and my jogging alone time is very limited) so I am going to walk, walk, walk, walk, walk! We're also hoping to get a treadmill pretty soon so I will be able to jog/run on the treadmill at home too. But walking first. Nothing clears the head (for me) like fresh air and outdoors and a little exercise.



4 comments:

  1. I've been wondering about how you're doing, so thanks for the update. I will still continue to pray for you. I will also pray for you to conceive again, and that another little blessing will join your family. You're right...Everyone has a journey, and we shouldn't compared tragedies. :(

    Hugs,
    Meredith

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hugs to you. So much of what you say echoes exactly what I'm feeling about my early miscarriage. I'm so angry about it that my anger is spilling over into other areas of my life. Trying to move on and get past it, but it's hard. Thinking of you.

    ReplyDelete
  3. First let me say your blog design is looking fantastic ! Is this all on your won ??? You mentioned you were learning and I'm sooo impressed. I still pay to get my blog look updated ! Ughhhh. I'm so glad your doing better :) I took a much needed blogging break but I'm back at it. Stop by and say HI !!!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Just found your blog on a blog hop. I'm so sorry you suffered a miscarriage. I experienced this, too, and felt all those same feelings. God bless you :)

    ReplyDelete